Wherever you go...there you are ! 

 

APHORISM:  A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
   Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
3. Then analyze the situation:
   • If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
   • If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
   • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
   • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
   • If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
   • If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
   • If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
   • If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
   • If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
   • If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
   • If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
   • If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
   •  Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
     

“You don’t know Jack Schitt,” now that’s an expression that I’ve heard more than a few times throughout my life, and on occasion I’ve had the pleasure of responding “I do know Jack Schitt, I met him in Nashville,” and I have the T-shirt to prove it!

Over the years Donna and I have traveled to Nashville Tennessee twice, don’t ask me the years cause I can’t recall them off the top of my head but I know I’ve been there twice. I was recently cleaning out a storage area in the basement and came across a T-shirt I purchased in Nashville on one of our two trips into the city and got a real good chuckle over “The Story of Jack Schitt,” clearly spelled out on the back of the shirt.

I’m a bit of a history buff and I’m sure the reason I bought this shirt is because it spells out the history of the Schitt family on the back. So for those of you not familiar with the Schitt family I’ll be happy to print what’s on the back of this shirt to help clear-up any doubt you might have.

The back of the shirt reads:

THE STORY OF JACK SCHITT

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth.

Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt;

Two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt;

And another son, Bull Schitt,

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt,

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers,

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Holy Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schitt

and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Now my friends you can proudly proclaim,

“I know the true story of Jack Schitt!”

Now the Schitt family might sound a little humorous to a few of you but like I said I have maintained this information in my files for historical purposes.

The fact that my wife sometimes calls me “Full-of Schitt” goes to show you that she doesn’t know what she talking about.